I’ve gotten good at determining the children’s fake sick from the real but still on occasion get it wrong.  I’ve been known to send a nauseous kid or two to school only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later to tell me they were vomiting.

Apparently, my hard nose directive of “Stop complaining, get dressed and get in the car!” isn’t the cure for the flu.

On one particular Friday my oldest son was home sick from school. Friday sick is the most suspicious.  First I performed a scare test to check his reaction speed.  It’s pretty effective at weeding out the ones hiding from a test taking day.  He passed.  Next, I told him he’s wasn’t allowed to watch television or use any electronic devices for the day.  No response.  He passed.  Next, I checked for fever.  One hundred and eight.  Damn.  I should have checked that first.  He’s always hot and always red.  I didn’t know.

Also home sick was my youngest son.  He had just been released from the hospital and it was expected he would return to his normal self within a few days.  Hospital bracelets are an immediate sick day pass.

As I was working at my desk the school nurse called me about my third son.  He was in the office complaining of auras.  I knew this meant they were bad but he hadn’t gone into a full seizure for a long time so I had my fingers crossed.  Worst case scenario was another hospital visit.  Fine, I could handle that.

I cancelled a few meetings and headed out to pick him up.

My girl was the last one standing.  “Girl power!” I thought.

I picked her up at the standard time and after divvying out meds and snacks went back to work.

An e-mail came through from my daughter’s school.  It was a Communicable Disease Notice.  Her classroom specifically had been exposed to Pinworm.  It listed the symptoms as follows:

Symptoms: Severe rectal itch.  Intestinal worms are 1/2 inch long and look like a heavy white threads. Pinworms are difficult to see and are easier to find at night.

Incubation (time required for disease to appear after exposure):  1 – 2 months.

Care: Seek medical care.  All members of the household should be treated at the same time.

Prevention Measures:  Good hand washing.  Good personal hygiene. 

I read it four times.  It seemed like a joke.  I then giggled myself to tears because it felt like such irony and then I had a major mom meltdown.

I was hysterical  and so beside myself about the possibility of everyone’s ass severely itching that I immediately called a family meeting at the kitchen table.  I didn’t care that they were sick.  I needed them to know at that minute that our intestines and asses were under possible attack.

At the table my oldest sat red-faced with his fever, my next oldest sat with loopy eyes and migraine pain, my youngest son sat hunched over in stomach pain while my daughter sat looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed, the potential carrier.

I only remember what I said because they have been repeating it to me daily for the last week before they fall into fits of laughter.

I said,

Guys! There’s something called Ass Worms in your sister’s class and she may have brought them home.  If your ass itches, tell me immediately.  The itch may not hit until summer – Keep your hands washed!

I was horrified at being in a position of nighttime ass worm hunting by flashlight so bought medication and treated the family in advance.

New post tag: rectal itching.  Hope I don’t need to reuse it.