on doing and being

Neglect.

I have a bamboo plant in the corner of my room that my mother gave me for my birthday two years ago.  It was about 8 inches tall when I received it.  Now, it sits in the corner of the room, 4 feet tall.  I have a bonsai tree on a corner of my desk, and when I first received it, it was lively, green and bright.  Right now it is brown and withered, with no hope of returning to life.

Somewhere in between the life and death of these plants, lies

Neglect.

I am in active review of my life, in hopes that I can pull from the garden of my soul, the food I need to escape a complete breaking point. I can see clearly what has caused growth. What I believe I have been subconsciously avoiding, are the areas that are brown and withered, the areas that have caused death. This is what I am running from.

Neglect.

I am looking everything in the face to be purposefully grateful, but it seems that maybe what I am missing or deliberately avoiding, is acknowledging the side of me that feels like screaming “Fuck You!”, the not so grateful side. Maybe.

Neglect.

Embracing that side feels like weakness, and, I feel I need to be in a position of strength to hold those up around me.  That I need to walk it, talk it and ‘be’ it. For my family, my friends, I’ve adopted the Dry Idea motto, “Never Let Them See You Sweat“.

Truthfully, I allowed myself the luxury of several intense “Fuck You’s” recently, but afterwards, felt much less whole for having given in to my emotions.

Neglect.

I’ve been working day and night to progress forward without stopping to be clear about where I really am. I’ve got a checkmate mentality with a stalemate reality.

Neglect.

The bamboo simply requires water and sun and off it goes, to be its bamboo self.  The bonsai requires water, sun and fertilizer, among a few other particulars.

I’ve neglected to fertilize it by not acknowledging the scope of its needs or acting to address them.

So it is with the self, I am ‘doing’ and not acknowledging the scope of my needs or acting to address them such that I can ‘be’.

I think this means I need to identify where I am currently withering and may first need to redefine strength. I’m not sure I can get through this self-reflection process without breaking.

Some of my mindsets are no longer serving me and I am anxious to do the work required to identify them, let them go and move to the next level in life.

I’m now reading “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New Oneby Joe Dispenza.  Hoping it yields insight, or a jig…

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