There’s a scene in The Color Purple when Celie stands up to Mister. The emotions in this scene sum up how I feel. I am so very angry. I am angrier than I have ever been in my entire life.
I feel like I’ve lived in a confessional for 20 years and only now have decided to stand up and walk outside and face the sun.
I am angry because
I’ve lived in such darkness for so long that it became normal and I forgot the sun existed.
I am angry because I spent so much time caring for others and neglecting myself that I now need to retrain myself, like a child, on how to be myself, be for myself.
I am angry because I birthed so much life into the world only to support those lives alone.
I am angry because I feel I cannot be the mother I was meant to be.
I am angry because I know I will still pull a rabbit out of my arse and make rainbow soup with glitter from the sky no matter how longingly I wish to fall along with the rain.
I am angry to have chosen to pour my love unending into a vessel incapable of acknowledging how hard I love and what a unique and amazing gift I am such that I should have been cherished.
I am angry that never have I ever had such luxury as to wallow in my pain and blame others and angrier to know I would not even do so if the chance were ever to arise.
I am angry at the asphyxiation suffered at silence while trying to breath in affection.
I am angry for my hunger and for allowing others to insult my soul by accepting their crumbs.
I am angry over the blankets of compassion that layers my bones because as much as it is a gift it feels like a curse and is at the heart of what drives my steps.
I am angry over losses that threaten my spirit such as to eclipse the joy that is meant to be mine.
I am angry at the alchemical angel sitting opposite the shoulder of my anger devil, demanding I somehow transmute this experience into love.
I am angered to exhaustion. A tiredness so great that it shadows my heart, darkens my spirit and provides no place for me to rest.
What am I grateful for?
- Recognizing that anger is robed in victimization and that I can wear it or take it off.
- The ability to direct this anger as fuel to deepen my inner work.
- Being blessed with stores of iron.